The End of Now

Stefanie, my old boss and close friend, left me long ago. I remember being distraught, but more because she left before I did, and well, it would mean that I had more time to serve. We rarely worked in the same office together, and our internet communication would continue. I moved back to NY with every intention to figure out my life and do "big" things. It's April 2008 and I'm still working in Long Island, NY.

"And so it goes."

As of today, my boss, co-worker, and close friend, Sc0tt M@+z@, is no longer employed with The Z3llm@n Group. This day has been 30 days in the making, but it's here and it's bleak as hell. The "higher up" side of the office is dark; Stuart is not here today and Scott's office is not yet occupied. As day one it should only feel like Scott's on vacation, but over the year that I have been back in NY, I've tried my hardest to schedule trips, days off, etc during his vacation time. I suppose that I never realized how intentional it must have been until now.

"And so it goes."

I suddenly find myself in a corner. I sit here terrified; there is a big, incredible, hard world out there, and I should be in it. I've had all of these incredible dreams for myself over the years and never once did I consider this reality: there is not a single obstacle in my way. To be perfectly honest, I have no clue what that means for myself. I can list these goals I made for myself, and I can certainly attempt to live up to each of them, but in reality my only desire is to do something that I love and never look back.

Interestingly enough, this month has taught me that what I love the most is to be near and close to people who make me smile, laugh, think, create, work, learn, and love. From there I can find a way to challenge myself, challenge the world (if need be). The only true requirement in all of it is to have people that I'd chose to be near if the choice was given.

"And so it goes."

I was given a promotion recently to "Director of Retail Operations". It sounds fancy and cool, much more so than I know it to be just yet. I have all of these ideas of things to do, things to create, people to do it with...
perhaps that will come to fruition soon enough. What else am I going to do 8:30 - 5:30 <--- that's a joke!

The Boys, weekend relaxation, and the future

Despite my disgust with Terminal 5, I made it out to see The Beastie Boys. It was an excellent show: funny, exciting, and it brought back some fond memories. I'm glad I spent the money, and now I'm officially done with Terminal 5.

It did manage to get worse, if you're wondering. The upstairs (where the sound is tolerable) became far more "corporate". The sides are all blocked off with "V.I.P." sections; these areas allowed people who aren't sound-retarded to see the show and hear the show all at once. Now, instead of the stage being visible, there are flat screen televisions that allow the upstairs audience to "enjoy" the show. Let me also add that the coloring on these televisions is terrible (to put it mildly).


I've spent the weekend relaxing and trying my best to stay dry. It's been quite a few weeks since I've had this sort of downtime and it feels wonderful. I may even consider yoga in the morning.


Several thoughts have been creeping through my head about the future. I need to find a solid career path that suits my needs, desires, dreams, and challenges me. It's a tall order to fill, and I'm still not up for the challenge. Note: by no means am I unhappy with my current job, I just can't imagine further growth or even transference. It's not "stuck" that I feel, but rather "unsettled". I imagine more, but it ends there. Perhaps I just need thousands of dollars to fall into my lap, and then I'd figure it out. Any takers?

Wrapping it up

I've been wanting to talk to you, sweet blogger, for way too long.

It appears that many have fallen--behind and out.
Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama, and John McCain. All else seems beyond repair.

As most of you know, I'm not a Republican, so I'm really left with two possibilities. I was (eek) pleasantly surprised to see that McCain came out ahead on Super Tuesday. Let me go ahead and explain myself in as few words as possible: a minor baby-step away from the Christian Right; waterboarding is torture; he won't win over many hearts because he's dull as all hell?

I'm happy to say that there is a tough choice ahead for the Democratic Party. We have two good candidates, for two different reasons. A co-worker pointed out that if Clinton wins the election, we will have 22 years (minimum) of Bush or Clinton. A good argument for "real change"?

I didn't vote on Super Tuesday, but in the end my vote would have been cast for Obama. I like Clinton's healthcare policy better and I wish Obama would discuss policy a bit more, but in the end, he won me over. His campaign slogan sells, and he makes us all believe again. That's something that the world needs. We all need to believe that America can and will change. We need it more than Gore needs fresh air and better weather.

Perhaps when there is a candidate, I'll get more hyped up. In the meantime, I'm listening intently. We have a chance again. We might be heard.

Cat Power: Terminal 5

I'd been anticipating this night for so long; it came and went not nearly quick enough.

Chan played with the Dirty Delta Blues Band in the middle-of-nowhere space, Terminal 5. I purchased Jukebox immediately upon release and was excited to see her announcement for a show at Terminal 5. This was my first visit to this converted dance club, and I was pleasantly surprised upon entering the venue. The lighting was sweet and the bars were plentiful; the second floor had a nice atmosphere with couches galore. We entered the venue at 7:45pm, with our 7:00pm tickets.

After a long wait, the show began with Appaloosa, a man with a laptop and a french girl in short shorts. We sat on the couches and listened to the trip-hop beats, while waiting anxiously for Cat Power to come on stage. When Appaloosa left the stage, there was little applaud and more waiting. I don't know how long it took for Cat Power to come on stage, but it sure wasn't quick.

Theo and I pushed our way close to the stage, waiting patiently for Chan's arrival, while being pushed left and right by a nasty New York crowd. We had the pleasure of listening to an indi-rock couple behind us argue insensibly. At one point she said, "I just want Cat Power to come on stage." I turned around and said, "Don't we all." She must have shot darts out of her eyes, so I turned around and pretended that I didn't try to stir the pot.

Cat Power began her set with "New York, New York", and this was the most exciting moment of the evening. The crowd did not do, as crowds almost always do, any moving or shifting once she got on stage. There was no energy and even being as close as we were, her words were muted. I tried to dance a bit, move around, but it felt wrong with all of the statues around me.

Now, I had heard all the buzz about Terminal 5 having terrible sound, but I thought that they were just referring to the odd space having little acoustic value. Unfortunately, the ear-crushing feedback came almost immediately. Theo and I decided it was high time to have a cigarette break only three songs into her set. After the break, we went upstairs to a couch, hoping for better sound and more space, and it happened!

We got a nice spot on a couch, near another couple who were plenty nice. There was no view from here, but we had comfy seats and the sound improved ten-fold. You could hear her voice, and while the feedback was still terrible, it mattered less on the couch. Chan took opportunity after opportunity to complain about the spot lights (which were killing us upstairs) to the sound (which killed the crowd). At one point she said, "We're almost done," giving the crowd a sense of relief.

But, with all said and done, I stood up and found a space on the balcony. Chan's sensual voice, and the Delta Dirty Blues Band's music, gave me an experience not to forget. She has talent that is unquestionable, even cleaned up and pretty.

I'd definitely want to see Chan again, but at a smaller and more intimate venue that allows for a more energetic audience. She marched on, despite the feedback, lighting, and terrible acoustics.

So now I have two $100.00 presale Beastie Boy tickets for March 4th at Terminal 5, hosted by Moby. I had no idea that Terminal 5 would be so terrible. The reviews don't do it justice. Look back here for more news, as these might be up for grabs!

[pictures taken from my iPhone]

California on my mind

an endless moment

it's 3am
the clock is blinking 4:47

the room is not empty
there is noone around

flipping through pages
searching for an answer

looking for inspiration
sniffling at love

there's a huge hole
black and growing larger

endlessly gaping
you're not here to fill it

i talk aloud
and feel more empty than before

10/05/03

Sigur Ros

It seems that I did not mention the surprise Sigur Ros appearance I witnessed last (gasp) year (October '07?).

There was a church-- the old kind, the kind that smells beautiful. They played only a few songs, and there were only about 40 people. We sat up front, wondering how those sounds were coming out of him. They played an acoustic set. It was heavenly.

Sometimes I want to go back to this evening. I want to see them again.

Babble, babble, what?

Clarity unwelcome when I've
only duped myself; the days
can change in any motion,
but the seasons remain intact.

The trees will grow stronger,
despite the number of rings or
leaves-- it’s the inevitability
amongst the forest land.
The rivers will continue to pull,
water from point to point, slamming
against the rocks and life whom,
unknowingly, block the route.
The need for life to resume, heeding
through the roughage, is visible
and constant.

In some worlds, days
don't stand still, but here-
we stand or move on our
own accord.