Making It Work

As long as I can remember forgiving people for their wrong-doings has been an issue for me. The question being: how do you forgive someone who does not seek forgiveness? It all started in High School where I determined that it didn't matter. I decided that you must always forgive, but you're never forced to forget. Silly.

By 2001 I was living in Gainesville, FL and was heavily involved in a campus church called GCL (Gator Christian Life), which was part of GCM (Great Commission Ministries). Through reading the Bible, and constantly contemplating on this idea of forgiveness, I came to new conclusions. The Bible tells us that Jesus forgives everyone, that he died for every one's sins. The catch is that you have to accept his forgiveness in order to make it real; you must know that you need forgiving in the first place. I took this idea and ran with it.

Now, no longer calling myself a Christian, I still relate to this New Testament idea of forgiveness. On a philosophical note, it makes complete sense to me. How can you truly forgive someone unless they accept a) that they need forgiving, and b) that you are willing to forgive? If this doesn't happen, it lends to the theory that their act was not a wrong-doing, or worse, that they can not change.

In the end, I believe that when you love someone, it doesn't matter who is "right" and "wrong" when it comes to disagreements. I believe that what matters the most is dealing with our actions and those consequences. Despite how irrational the hurts may be, it's important to always relate to the idea that you've hurt someone. It's important to seek forgiveness there, and to comfort and heal the wounds that you have made. Then, after you've come clean ("I hurt you and I'm sorry"), it's important to talk about what happened. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding, perhaps you believe your actions are justified but they hurt the person you love, or perhaps you don't believe your actions are justified and they hurt the person you love. In any event, I think there is an underlying question: what matters more, my ego or their heart? I believe, through love, we're strong enough to fix things as long as we talk about them as they come along.

But, as it turns out, lately I've been struggling pretty violently to forgive people. I keep hoping that it'll just happen. I've dug pretty deep, and still, it hasn't happened. I've meditated a few times. (Perhaps I should meditate more.)

The thing is- these people don't seek forgiveness. Or, worse, they seek forgiveness but keep repeating the crime. At some point it becomes a virtue I don't have, and the "not forgetting" part becomes too much of the equation. I just don't believe that I can honestly say to myself "I forgave". I truly believe that one must accept it before anything can change, before I can begin to speak about it the past tense. I guess I should be happy that it's waiting and know that I've done my part.

It's funny how we can develop these well thought out theories on how love and friendship ought to work, but when it comes down to it, we're never a working part of that theory.
Perhaps I should go back to reevaluate forgiveness. It's been a few years.

Election Blues

It's only a year away, and I'm starting to dread it all over again. Before I was able to vote, I had no real opinions in regard to Politics; in fact, I'm pretty certain I cared more about my telephone than who would be the President or knowing the difference between a Republican and a Democrat. 8 years later, I'm hoping that the Presidential vote I cast will actually make a difference. I have yet to cast a vote for a winner in the Presidential elections (even the Primaries).

What bothers me the most about this next year is how closely I have to pay attention. Who the heck actually wants to pay attention? It's tiring.

In 2003 I was glued to CSPAN, taking notes all the time. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, Kerry became the Democratic Nominee, and I became lost. Who voted for him? And, more importantly, what did the media do to Dean? And, then, Bush was re-elected. I remember the next morning being on the Long Island Railroad and saying something pretty cruel to a friend on the phone, "Perhaps now we have a better chance of seeing him get shot on National Television." The lady next to me went nuts, threatening to beat me up (she was about 45 years old). She handed me a book on Christianity and said I should stop reading my History books and read something worthwhile.

Welcome to 2004. That afternoon several of my friends and I mourned at an apartment nearby our school. The city seemed to be in remorse, wondering what else we could have done.

In 2000 I was living in Florida. This little fact is not something that I regularly like to admit, as Americans like to believe that EVERY county in Florida had problems voting. Also, knowing what happened in Florida, and the number of citizens that weren't able to vote, made me ashamed to live there. I did, though, cast a vote for Al Gore. I'm pretty certain that I was the only member of my family who did cast a vote for Al Gore. One brother voted for Ralph Nader while the rest of the siblings.... who knows. But, seriously-- what happened that year? And, more importantly, where were all of you during the debates? Did you not see George speak? When did being a Christian become enough reason for a vote? No more abortion, no more gay marriage, and let's go kill a bunch of Iraqis?

(Speaking of which, although "An Inconvenient Truth" is a great movie in regard to Global Warming, how many of you felt like shit for not voting for our buddy Al Gore? He sure wanted to rub your face in the shit-hole you put us in.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, here we are: it's 2007 and 2008 is slowly creeping it's ugly head up. I started buying the New York Times, reading The Economist online, reading Reason online, and then (of course) Googling the news. Pretty soon that rage will light up again, and I'll be full of the Political Fury I hate so much.

I remember it clearly: I am walking through Madison Square Park and there is some Army thing going on there. Bloomberg gets out of this black SUV within about 20 feet of me. I'm wearing pins that are all Anti-Bush (and maybe my "Bush is a Liar!" shirt). I take a good look at Bloomberg and of all the things I could scream at him, I simply stick up my finger and walk away. As I am approaching my school I think about walking back over to the Park and instead I realize that I must stop caring so much. When I moved to California I stopped reading the news for a pretty lengthy period of time. It was important for my sanity, as what I believed was stupid always took the best of me.

Hillary. Obama. Edwards.
That Libertarian running as a Republican.
A Third-Party vote.
I'm already confused.
Just call this the Election Blues.

Where are we going?

Since I don't have a television, I hooked my laptop up to our projector and streamed cspan for George W. Bush's recent speech. Because we enlarged the tiny window on our massive wall, his facial expressions were not clear. Perhaps this is why I can safely say, "His annoying smirks did not make me throw stuff at the screen."

We listened to his new plan quite intently, often questioning if he heard any of the American people, or if he went deaf by all of the Americans surrounding the White House chanting, "No More War, No More War, No More War." Then I remembered that I didn't see any news articles about huge rallies outside of the White House, well, not recently at least.

What are we doing these days? I know that I'm tucked away in my apartment, chain-smoking as I read more and more news clippings about the possible outcomes of Iraq. The other day I drove down a road nearby my apartment that is always busy with restaurant and bar goers. There were about 30 people standing on the side-walk with signs that read, "No More War", "Stop Bush", "Peace!", etc. I honked my horn in recognition of their efforts.

I honked my horn...
What is that? When did that become an acceptable means of protest? When did we stop showing the Government what we want and let the polls do their work? Obviously they don't do the trick.

I recently read a news article in the New York Times' Week in Review by Hellene Cooper titled, "The Best We Can Hope For". She explains that the best we can possibly hope for in Iraq is a Civil War, while the worst we can hope for in Iraq is nuclear war. Better yet, Civil War is inevitable, while nuclear war is slightly possible.

On that same page is an article titled, "In the Land of Bold Beauty, A Trusted Mirror Cracks". Apparently Brazil is no longer a place that accepts the fleshy women with bottoms. Anorexia is on the rise. Since I don't live in Brazil, and better yet- have never been to Brazil-I don't know if this idea of fleshy women was ever embraced. Our mass media has always told me that it's true, but when did it alter?

All of these things confuse me. I feel like I'm on an express train to hell, and there is no getting off. Did we sign up for this ride? I don't remember reading about this in the brochure. My young days of bright hope have been darkened with reality. And, frankly, I'm scared shitless to have children.

First Entry

The last time I started an Online Blog was May 2002 on livejournal.com. I continued to blog on a semi-normal basis for about three years. This particular blog served as a personal diary where I wrote numerous entries that I later realized would have been better off as private entries. There were times when I wrote about a book I was reading, politics, or art, but more often than not, my entries would include my own personal struggle with both religion and faith. After my nasty fall-out with religion, these entries would frequently lead to debate and anger among my readers, who were mostly old friends from the Church I attended in 2002. By the time 2005 rolled around, I didn't have much more to say. Perhaps I didn't want to speak to my readers anymore, but frankly, I was better off without the blogging battles.

Eventually, in late 2005, my brother started an Online community for our family hosted at bloomston.com. These blogs were limited, but the site was a wonderful tool to keep our family in contact and updated on our lives. At some point, through website updates and our busy schedules, our family stopped blogging.

Since bloomston.com went silent, I started a couple new blogs that were never used. On occasion I post blog entries on myspace.com, but these are rarely read by other people and aren't necessarily intended for large audiences.

So, here we are. The content of Nous Letters is still unknown, but I do believe this blog will be far more coherent and tolerable than previous blogs. (And, on that note, I don't recommend clicking the links above as it will be a daunting task to find something worth reading.) I do not write much poetry these days, so I believe that will be pretty limited here. I have been reading the Newspaper and some books again, so I'm sure that will be thrown into the mix. As for my life, I will keep this blog limited to questions and ideas running through my crazy head. I will try to keep updates on my life limited, as I know that if a reader was interested, he/she would ask. In the meantime, look back later today for another entry.

PS- Nous is my chess handle on FICS (Free Internet Chess Server) and it also sounds like "news". Look up "nous" on dictionary.com for more interesting definitions that make me sound like an arrogant bastard. Enjoy.