Making It Work

As long as I can remember forgiving people for their wrong-doings has been an issue for me. The question being: how do you forgive someone who does not seek forgiveness? It all started in High School where I determined that it didn't matter. I decided that you must always forgive, but you're never forced to forget. Silly.

By 2001 I was living in Gainesville, FL and was heavily involved in a campus church called GCL (Gator Christian Life), which was part of GCM (Great Commission Ministries). Through reading the Bible, and constantly contemplating on this idea of forgiveness, I came to new conclusions. The Bible tells us that Jesus forgives everyone, that he died for every one's sins. The catch is that you have to accept his forgiveness in order to make it real; you must know that you need forgiving in the first place. I took this idea and ran with it.

Now, no longer calling myself a Christian, I still relate to this New Testament idea of forgiveness. On a philosophical note, it makes complete sense to me. How can you truly forgive someone unless they accept a) that they need forgiving, and b) that you are willing to forgive? If this doesn't happen, it lends to the theory that their act was not a wrong-doing, or worse, that they can not change.

In the end, I believe that when you love someone, it doesn't matter who is "right" and "wrong" when it comes to disagreements. I believe that what matters the most is dealing with our actions and those consequences. Despite how irrational the hurts may be, it's important to always relate to the idea that you've hurt someone. It's important to seek forgiveness there, and to comfort and heal the wounds that you have made. Then, after you've come clean ("I hurt you and I'm sorry"), it's important to talk about what happened. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding, perhaps you believe your actions are justified but they hurt the person you love, or perhaps you don't believe your actions are justified and they hurt the person you love. In any event, I think there is an underlying question: what matters more, my ego or their heart? I believe, through love, we're strong enough to fix things as long as we talk about them as they come along.

But, as it turns out, lately I've been struggling pretty violently to forgive people. I keep hoping that it'll just happen. I've dug pretty deep, and still, it hasn't happened. I've meditated a few times. (Perhaps I should meditate more.)

The thing is- these people don't seek forgiveness. Or, worse, they seek forgiveness but keep repeating the crime. At some point it becomes a virtue I don't have, and the "not forgetting" part becomes too much of the equation. I just don't believe that I can honestly say to myself "I forgave". I truly believe that one must accept it before anything can change, before I can begin to speak about it the past tense. I guess I should be happy that it's waiting and know that I've done my part.

It's funny how we can develop these well thought out theories on how love and friendship ought to work, but when it comes down to it, we're never a working part of that theory.
Perhaps I should go back to reevaluate forgiveness. It's been a few years.